A follow-up to the Chuck Finley brouhaha: from a link on Tony Pierce's blog we find a list of ballpayers who were murdered. And that's not even counting the suspicious death of Big Ed Delehanty. Not to say that Finley came close to being murdered, but just wait until he gets in front of the merciless fans in the Bronx.

How cool was this? The Celtics clinched their first playoff spot in 7 years with a drubbing of the hated Lakers. L.A. proved once again that without Shaquille O'Neal, they are, in my dad's words, "a really ordinary team". You can Kobe-this or Kobe-that all you want, but the guy simply can't carry a team. Like tonight. 26 points sounds good, but not on 18 free throw attempts and a pitiful 5-25 from the floor. Without the posters and commercials and kowtowing from the refs, Kobe is just another talented player.

So I'm more optimistic about the C's going into the playoffs. I think they're capable of beating anyone in the East, but I can also easily envision Philly or Milwaukee taking them out in 4 in the first round. And it looks like that's who they'll be playing. So we'll see.

Non-game highlight of the night had to be the National Anthem, sung by Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who plays Meadow Soprano. She sang before a Pats game last fall and they never lost again all year. It's not hard to see how she could inspire anyone; I hope her magic works on the C's too.

This is really something. A Minnesota-based website, nocontraction.com, is taking bids on an actual piece of A.B.C. gum straight from the mouth of D-Backs slugger Luis Gonzalez. As of 9:30 tonight, the bid is up to $500. No doubt George Steinbrenner already has scientists lined up to extract the DNA off the gum and create a squad of elite hitters.

An amazing developing story coming out of Cleveland. Chuck Finley missed a start after it was revealed that his wife, actress Tawny Kitaen (best known for being the hot chick in the Whitesnake videos in the late 80s), had been arrested for beating Chuck up on the way home from dinner. Reports are that Kitaen became enraged when it finally sunk in that Finley would probably have to spend the rest of his career in Cleveland. Finley and Kitaen are temporarily separated; when asked for a comment on the couple's future, Finley said, "Here I go again on my own. I'm going down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone." He added, "I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams."

Kitaen and Indians outfielder Wilfredo Cordero are reportedly in discussions with Fox to star in a new special, "Celebrity Spousal Abuse Boxing".

Ordinarily, I hate the whole "this guy's on a pace to do such-and-such" thing, but let's face it. This guy really is on a pace to hit 324 home runs. If Barry does keep this pace, and there's no reason to think he won't, buy tickets now - he'll hit #74 on May 13th vs. Atlanta, and #756 on July 18th in Saint Louis.

The fun never stops. Three pitches into the second inning, Sox #3 starter Dustin Hermanson winced, grabbed his groin (quiet, you) and hobbled off the mound. And the game looks like it has a good chance of being rained out. Great news all around. The Red Sox will now be taking applications from anyone interested in pitching in Baltimore this weekend.

I inspired myself to create an All-Star Team of forgettable 80s baseball players. The only rule for selection is that each player had to inexplicably make it to one actual All-Star Game. All beneficiaries of hot springs and the one-player-per-team minimum, these guys truly are the cream of a weak crop. Listed are the teams they represented in the Midsummer Classic. For the All-Star rosters, I used the incomparable baseball-reference.com.

1st Base - Wally Joyner (Angels, 1986). Wally actually had a great rookie season. Very few bad first basemen make the All-Star Team, since so many at this position can hit. But Wally never made it back, which should tell you something.

2nd Base - Johnny Ray (Angels, 1988). Johnny was a decent 2nd baseman for Pittsburgh, but could never crack the Sandberg/Herr stranglehold on the All-Star picks. So he got himself to Anaheim and was selected on some kind of lifetime-achievement deal.

3rd Base - Chris Brown (Giants, 1986). A highly-touted prospect for San Francisco, Brown managed to end his career before Roxette did. baseball-reference.com lists Brown in the statistical company of Scott Cooper and Rick Schu. That ought to tell you something.

Shortstop - Kurt Stillwell (Royals, 1988). Kurt actually cracked double-digits in home runs in 1988. Considering he hit 34 in his career, this was a remarkable accomplishment.

Left Field - Ruppert Jones (Padres, 1982). Ruppert had 147 career homers and got a World Series ring with the '84 Tigers, but I'll always remember him for opening his mouth really wide before each pitch. I guess the '82 Padres really needed an All-Star.

Center Field - Jerry Mumphrey (Astros, 1984). I don't even remember seeing a baseball card of this guy. I think he may have been one of Kool's Gang in his day job.

Right Field - Glenn Wilson (Phillies, 1985). The '85 Phillies featured Wilson, Von Hayes, Juan Samuel, Don Carman and Shane Rawley. What a roster! That almost qualifies as a Forgettable 80s Player All-Star team right there. That's not including Steve Jeltz, who tried to bring back Jheri-curls 10 years before Sam Jackson starred in Pulp Fiction.

Catcher - Dave Engle (Twins, 1984). I don't remember him at all. Honorable mention to Rich Gedman, whose swing was so loopy that after 1987, the Red Sox just issued him a sand wedge to hit with (or, more to the point, to miss with).

Starting Pitcher - Ken Schrom (Indians, 1986). Schrom set the AL on fire in '86 with a 14-7 record and 4.14 ERA. By 1988, he was the ace of the retirement-home softball team.

Reliever - Bill Dawley (Astros, 1983). I always got Bill Dawley confused with Ken Dayley. And, as it turned out, it didn't matter a whit which one was which.

Loyal Reader Andy in Pittsburgh sends this link to Rob Rossi's column in the Post-Gazette. Rossi on the Lakers: "...unless their celebration results in bitter disappointment for Bostonians, does it really count?"

Rossi also gives props to Bob Walk, who rose above having the Worst Name for A Pitcher Ever to have a perfectly-forgettable mid-80s career. Which reminds me: If any of you see anything on the Web that deals with a perfectly-forgettable mid-80s baseball player, PLEASE let me know. I've already seen the Von Hayes page, so don't send that one.

I was dismayed. The Red Sox lost yesterday. The Patriots spent the day with George W. Bush, which always makes me nervous. The Bruins were down 2-0 and the Celtics were getting waxed by Indiana.

Then the Bruins scored. Then they scored again. Tie game. Then the Celtics climbed on Walter McCarty's back, and suddenly were cruising to an 11 point lead. Suddenly I'm jumping up and down and spit-taking Mountain Dew all over the place. Man, it's fun being a fickle Boston sports fan.

The keys to the Celtics' win? Paul Pierce, as always, was money in the 2nd half. And he had pesky little Ron Artest in his face all game; I think Pierce plays best when he's mad. Walter played the best game of his life. And never underestimate the power of Isiah Thomas coaching in the 4th Quarter. How Isiah hasn't been fired yet is beyond me; he inherited the same team that Larry Bird took to the Finals. I guess we underestimated Rik Smits and Sudden Sam Perkins all along. Someone also should tell Reggie Miller that they play four full quarters. I don't see a bright playoff future for the Pacers.

Let's talk about sinking feelings.

A fat envelope from the IRS. The words "we need to talk". The Griswolds checking out of their English hotel and seeing the clerk whip out the calculator. The "Check Engine" light. Hearing that the election results are going to the Supreme Court.

Coming home from work to find that Pedro got lit up on Opening Day.

The Patriots start September 9th. Just in case.

Since I'll be at work tomorrow (hopefully in range of a radio) and won't be able to fret about Pedro properly, I made tonight's Tribe-Angels game my honorary Opening Night. You forget the pleasures of keeping score (I did. I'm a nerd.), of seeing old players in new uniforms, and the singular joy of kicking back and letting Jon Miller and Joe Morgan take you through nine innings. And if I saw the real Bartolo Colon tonight, I'm changing my AL Central predictions.

Happy opening day, everybody.

AL East: Last in a series of 6 divisional previews.

1. New York. Don’t yell, OK? If I have to make these predictions publicly, I’m not going to be stupid. The cold reality is that the Yankees have at least five proven starters, the (despite last November) best closer in baseball, a star-studded lineup, and the wherewithal to get someone else to come in if the team falters. Are the Yankees perfect? No. The injury bug has been around in Spring Training more than in the past. The intangibles and experience provided by Knoblauch, O’Neill and Tino are gone. Actually, since O’Neill and Knoblauch are gone, there’s only one Yankee left that I hate with all my heart and soul. But I can’t think like that. Someone must stop this team…please?

2. Boston (wild card). I think all good true Sox fans are in the same boat this season, vacillating between starry-eyed optimism and "get in crash position" angst. The key word this season is IF. IF Nomar and Varitek are healthy. IF Grady Little can keep the spacey Manny Ramirez’s head in the game. IF one of the starting projects (Lowe, Burkett, Oliver) can hit 15-17 wins. IF the new ownership is truly committed to do whatever it takes. IF Rickey Henderson ever suits up, and plays the kind of leadoff ball he’s played since 1980. IF Shea Hillenbrand doesn’t flame out after a good rookie year. IF Ugie Urbina is competent as a closer. IF a few of these things happen, the Red Sox can do what they need to do: grab the wild-card and try to do to the Yankees in 7 what they probably can’t in 162. If more than a couple of these things don’t happen….Skylab. Oh yeah, one more. IF Pedro stays healthy.

3. Toronto. Picked by everyone in the universe to finish 3rd, the Jays have enough weapons and enough potential to scare you. The starting rotation of Chris Carpenter, Roy Halladay and Luke Prokopec had awful 2001s but all look poised to rebound. The offense still revolves around Raul Mondesi and Carlos Delgado; a lot of teams wish they had that kind of power. The bullpen is iffy (Dan Plesac’s still in the league?!?) but Kelvim Escobar is ready to take over at closer from the departed Billy Koch. There’s no way the Jays will finish below third – if the Red Sox implode early, Toronto could move up a slot.

Note: The following teams are considered a disaster area. Pregnant women, small children, or anyone susceptible to backaches or emotional trauma should not read on. Serious distress can be a result of following these two teams. Not responsibe for psychic suffering.

4. Baltimore. If the Orioles want to be noticed at all this season, I recommend they make Cal Ripken sign autographs before the games. I also recommend Cal be granted an honorary spot on the All-Star team, since every team needs one representative and picking one of the remaining Orioles is a sick joke. The pitching is halfway-respectable; Jason Johnson and Sidney Ponson would each make a #4 starter on a decent team. The offense is just brutal. Try a 3-4-5 of David Segui (who played all of 82 games last year), Jeff Conine, and Marty Cordova. The Orioles signed Cordova for $9 million because he had a nice spring in Cleveland last year. Had they done their homework, they would have seen that Cordova was released from hundreds of teams in the preceding years. Owner Peter Angelos opposes the Expos moving to Washington because it would cut into his fan base. I think the good people of Maryland, Virginia, D.C., and – OK, fine, Delaware -- deserve to see at least one major-league caliber team.

5. Tampa Bay. The opening day starting pitcher is Tanyon Sturtze. Four of the Opening Day starters are making their first ever appearance on Opening Day. Greg Vaughn, who’s untradable even on the Playstation. Actual quotes from skipper Hal McRae, on the Rays’ website…" we just hope he [starting catcher Toby Hall]continues to improve and get better"… "I don't think he [starting CF Randy Winn] established in anybody's mind that he's an everyday player"…" [on the pitching] it won't be easy but we'll just deal with it."…" The pitfalls are there for everyone and everyone's going to experience them". You can order Devil Rays tickets here. Get ‘em before they’re gone.

SUNDAY COLUMN ROUNDUP:Gordon Edes looks at the new Sox management team...Pete Vecsey likes Ben Wallace...Thomas Boswell rhapsodized on baseball defense...T.J. Simers found out about the Clippers...Ron Cook is already looking forward to the Pirates' 2003 season...Tony Massarotti says New York baseball teams have the most money...Bill Conlin breaks down the Phils...Mike Lupica likes Mike Piazza...Phil Mushnick hates everything.